Forgiveness Part II

About a week ago I sent off the birthday card to my Dad, feeling as if my world would change the heavens would rain joyous gifts upon me-- I had finally let go of the anger despair and abandonement issues that derived from my shitty parents. I was completely wrong!   Habit--an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.  My habit was to be angry at my father, to hold onto the feeling of not being worthy of his attention, to be invisible.   Forgiveness is a necessary happening, forgiveness sets you free, forgiveness puts you back in control of your life-- all true, but for me this last week has been hell.  Because I never really dealt with my anger despair and abandonement as the scar that covered my heart was removed by the act of forgiveness, the wound was left open-- big and weeping. Emotions that were covered by my anger, veiled me from really feeling and dealing with the abandonement--  I fell into a deep hole of vulnerability. I know that vulnerability is good, necessary even for self observation, but the truth is, this week I've been more vulnerable than I have been in 30 years.  The thick scar of anger was necessary for me to live my life, I know it-- it kept me from falling into destructive habits to numb the pain of what was underneath.  I'm not saying it was healthy I'm saying for me it was necessary. I come from an alcoholic father my anger at his drinking kept me from drinking, without anger I would have been swimming in the bottle with him.   Because I am so loved, I know this was the right time in my life to remove the scar, to let my heart truly begin to heal.  Leonard Cohen says, "Keep your eye on the bandaged place, that is where they light gets in." I have Ives with 30 years of anger and feelings of abandonment, when truly I am the only one who held onto that scar, I was afraid to feel because feeling meant to give in.  My anger and abandonement issues defined me gave me something tangible to hold onto, and this week I had to grow up and deal with the woman I have become because of my shitty parents.  I spent a lifetime blaming them for their inabilities, but in reality I secretly knew my insecurities were what drove me to who am I today.  And for that I'm grateful.  My spiritiual teacher says to practice.... Even if your practic is weak, just practice.  I with an open heart now begin to practice living life from my highest self, free of any roadblocks, free of any insecurities, Im a strong confident woman, who with her one doing broker her heart open with fierce compassion and strong love. The heavens did open and I was showed with gifts.... I just had to open my heart and feel.  Its not going to be easy, but that is the practice, practices to love by loving, practice to live by living, practice to be by being.