Re-Member!

One day.... you will suddenly feel an irresitible need NOT to live in unconsiousness, in ignorance, in that state in which you do things without knowing why, feel things without understanding why, have contradictory wills, understand nothing about anything, live only by habit routine, reaction. --The Mother, Pondicherry, India 1958 It's not easy to live life from a place of awakening, it is so much easier to live unconscious of my actions, of my attitudes, and of my life. I lived many years in an unforgetful cloud of sabotage-- if life did not directly affect me, I didn't care how it affected others. It was a life of complete selfish desctruction. I remember my first day on my yoga mat, it wasn't all rainbows and mystical transformations that came from just sitting on my mat breathing. My first day of yoga class with a formalized teacher, where it wasn't me a dvd and the pause button was a clear face to face moment of who I was and essentially who I was not-- there was no hiding behind my bold personality, there was no hiding there was just me on my mat with myself and a room of 10 other people who did not care about me, or how practiced I was, they were just happy to be doing yoga on their own mat, in their own space. I did not have to make my presance known, it was felt without my having to be the center of the room. For the first time in my life I felt completely vulnerable, transparant and completely not on display. After several classes I realized because as we moved together the energy I brought to my practice was connected to those other people. For the first time in my life, I sat with myself, without a reaction from others, and for the first time I woke up to the fact that I have the majority vote in my life, I didn't need someone to tell me I'm worthy -- I was and am worthy of living from an awake place within me-- I don't need approval for how I live my life-- I just need to live it be trustworthy to my purpose-- to Re-Member myself.

Justifications for the status quo

To be awake in life, to really WAKE UP is not an easy road-- I've seen alot about it lately in the media, with the new year and with all of us not parishing Dec 22, 2012 in an end of war frenzy-- the world is brimming with the idea of "waking up". Gyms are full of people seduced by change. I'm all for it, in fact I spend most of my teaching on the sole purpose of finding an Aim, a direction, a reason to wake up. But what I see is hidden behind the great idea of being awake is that we really want to justify where we are in life as a sleep walker. I have found that just saying I"m awake is not enough, having the cool gagets with apps that help me stay organized, reliable, more awake and even remind me to meditate that unless I make a concrete decision to plug into my self, my body and my life that I can hit a snooze button in life and sleepwalk through my entire day. It's scary to be awake, to feel good, to be alert and to carry myself with constant reliability-- it's a vulnerable place to live-- asleep means I have no accountability. Asleep means I can justify the status quo-- Asleep means I can be just like everyone else-- The secret for me is to embody my life, to practice being awake, to live every minute of my life from my body. I'm not a bag of bones attached to my head-- I don't have to live alseep at the wheel-- Being grounded in my body takes work, I need to remain an innocent investigator- without attachement and with great vision and keeping myself connected to the foundation of my Aim, to live it, to breathe it and to fully embody it. Robert Svoboda says, "hurry, there's no time to delay. Death approaches."

Need

One of my friends recently asked me, "Why is it I feel like I don't have what I need?" It took me back a little, got me to thinking- "Yes, why is it we never feel like we have what we need." Why are we so seduceable my mainstream media to feel inadequate in the face of life-- as if the one new thing could complete us. My spiritual teacher Lee says, "We aquire based on feeling the loss of our center." I fit that statement- when I'm feeling separate, feeling lonely or feeling not connected to I turn instantly to consumerism on every level-- this is the foundation of my eating disorder, I can say that my feeling of separateness, the Primal Cramp left me feeling so off center that I turned at 8 years old to what I could control, my need for food. It's interesting now to me, after 34 years of battle that when my life get off center I feel the need to aquire and hold onto- it gives me a sense of security it makes me feel "better". And then it doesn't, because I will go through my entire life and purge out what I don't need when I'm feeling centered, full, connected- I have no attachment to "getting rid" of something. I will throw out, just as I would purge food- quickly and without thought- in fact to this day it gives me the same kind of high. On some level I've convinced myself that it's healty to clean out once in a while, to cleanse away that which is not needed- to exhale, and I think on some level it is- as a society we are force fed the need for more better new and improved-- that really in the end we are not enough. As I walk my path, I know that we are enough, that it is a practice, this life we were emobodied into- that we are what we are seeking- maybe if we looked at ourselves as new and improved we would feel complete.

I don't weep, do you?

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you? Charles Bukowski!

Forgiveness Part II

About a week ago I sent off the birthday card to my Dad, feeling as if my world would change the heavens would rain joyous gifts upon me-- I had finally let go of the anger despair and abandonement issues that derived from my shitty parents. I was completely wrong!   Habit--an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.  My habit was to be angry at my father, to hold onto the feeling of not being worthy of his attention, to be invisible.   Forgiveness is a necessary happening, forgiveness sets you free, forgiveness puts you back in control of your life-- all true, but for me this last week has been hell.  Because I never really dealt with my anger despair and abandonement as the scar that covered my heart was removed by the act of forgiveness, the wound was left open-- big and weeping. Emotions that were covered by my anger, veiled me from really feeling and dealing with the abandonement--  I fell into a deep hole of vulnerability. I know that vulnerability is good, necessary even for self observation, but the truth is, this week I've been more vulnerable than I have been in 30 years.  The thick scar of anger was necessary for me to live my life, I know it-- it kept me from falling into destructive habits to numb the pain of what was underneath.  I'm not saying it was healthy I'm saying for me it was necessary. I come from an alcoholic father my anger at his drinking kept me from drinking, without anger I would have been swimming in the bottle with him.   Because I am so loved, I know this was the right time in my life to remove the scar, to let my heart truly begin to heal.  Leonard Cohen says, "Keep your eye on the bandaged place, that is where they light gets in." I have Ives with 30 years of anger and feelings of abandonment, when truly I am the only one who held onto that scar, I was afraid to feel because feeling meant to give in.  My anger and abandonement issues defined me gave me something tangible to hold onto, and this week I had to grow up and deal with the woman I have become because of my shitty parents.  I spent a lifetime blaming them for their inabilities, but in reality I secretly knew my insecurities were what drove me to who am I today.  And for that I'm grateful.  My spiritiual teacher says to practice.... Even if your practic is weak, just practice.  I with an open heart now begin to practice living life from my highest self, free of any roadblocks, free of any insecurities, Im a strong confident woman, who with her one doing broker her heart open with fierce compassion and strong love. The heavens did open and I was showed with gifts.... I just had to open my heart and feel.  Its not going to be easy, but that is the practice, practices to love by loving, practice to live by living, practice to be by being.

Happy Birthday Dad

Because of your lack of love and guidance -- I became loving and a light to many Because of your inability to protect me -- I became a fierce protector of myself and Bri Because of your smallness -- I became larger than life Because you gave me unworthiness -- I found worth within myself Because you are a fuck up alcoholic who turned his back on his daughter, the one person you should have kept safe --I found my way to wholeness through many bad relationships and an eating disorder Because you will never know the years of longing -- I spend today full Becuase you will always wonder what if...... -- I know that through my worth courage and compassion along with love of myself I WILL Because you gave up years with me -- I gained confidence and strength Because you showed me I was nothing -- I gained understanding that I am everything Because you were a horrible parent -- I learned to be an extraordinary one Because you never showed me the love of a parent -- I love hard and strong Because you told me I was trash -- I found the strength to rise above and succeed Because my heart longed for me Daddy -- I found Bri important men to lead her Because you will never understand the woman I am -- I forgive you for not understanding the Man you should have been. Happy Birthday Dad!

Fantasy Land is comfortable........

Get Real-- Life life as it is-- stop swimming in fantasy lane. Fantasy land is a land where we can justify why we are not living life to the fullest right now in this very moment-- life is not about awakening it's about the fantasy of justification of why we are not living-- There have been times where living in fantasy land seems so great-- no responsiblity to ourselves or to anyone. Live FREE-- What the fuck ever, there is nothing free about fantasy. Live life as it is-- is about accepting our place in life and living from it--not the fantasy of I could have, I should have, I would have if.... Media, our culture has shown us that we are justified in not living our life to the fullest because it's hard Work, and work we want to stay away from, we want a pill, an elixer, someone to tell us we are ok, someone to hold us when we remember life is Real. Living life as it is is scary, no one can do it for you, there is no fantasy land where we get to go and everything we want is laid out before us-- Earth school is hard school-- Fantasy school is a sheild of sabatage-- we feel comfortable behind the shield, but deep down we are screaming to live. To live our life, we must break free of the shields of sabotage we must Work on our REAL LIFE-- To live from the highest sense of ourselves, we have to ask WHO AM I KIDDING?