Need

One of my friends recently asked me, "Why is it I feel like I don't have what I need?" It took me back a little, got me to thinking- "Yes, why is it we never feel like we have what we need." Why are we so seduceable my mainstream media to feel inadequate in the face of life-- as if the one new thing could complete us. My spiritual teacher Lee says, "We aquire based on feeling the loss of our center." I fit that statement- when I'm feeling separate, feeling lonely or feeling not connected to I turn instantly to consumerism on every level-- this is the foundation of my eating disorder, I can say that my feeling of separateness, the Primal Cramp left me feeling so off center that I turned at 8 years old to what I could control, my need for food. It's interesting now to me, after 34 years of battle that when my life get off center I feel the need to aquire and hold onto- it gives me a sense of security it makes me feel "better". And then it doesn't, because I will go through my entire life and purge out what I don't need when I'm feeling centered, full, connected- I have no attachment to "getting rid" of something. I will throw out, just as I would purge food- quickly and without thought- in fact to this day it gives me the same kind of high. On some level I've convinced myself that it's healty to clean out once in a while, to cleanse away that which is not needed- to exhale, and I think on some level it is- as a society we are force fed the need for more better new and improved-- that really in the end we are not enough. As I walk my path, I know that we are enough, that it is a practice, this life we were emobodied into- that we are what we are seeking- maybe if we looked at ourselves as new and improved we would feel complete.

I don't weep, do you?

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you? Charles Bukowski!

Forgiveness Part II

About a week ago I sent off the birthday card to my Dad, feeling as if my world would change the heavens would rain joyous gifts upon me-- I had finally let go of the anger despair and abandonement issues that derived from my shitty parents. I was completely wrong!   Habit--an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.  My habit was to be angry at my father, to hold onto the feeling of not being worthy of his attention, to be invisible.   Forgiveness is a necessary happening, forgiveness sets you free, forgiveness puts you back in control of your life-- all true, but for me this last week has been hell.  Because I never really dealt with my anger despair and abandonement as the scar that covered my heart was removed by the act of forgiveness, the wound was left open-- big and weeping. Emotions that were covered by my anger, veiled me from really feeling and dealing with the abandonement--  I fell into a deep hole of vulnerability. I know that vulnerability is good, necessary even for self observation, but the truth is, this week I've been more vulnerable than I have been in 30 years.  The thick scar of anger was necessary for me to live my life, I know it-- it kept me from falling into destructive habits to numb the pain of what was underneath.  I'm not saying it was healthy I'm saying for me it was necessary. I come from an alcoholic father my anger at his drinking kept me from drinking, without anger I would have been swimming in the bottle with him.   Because I am so loved, I know this was the right time in my life to remove the scar, to let my heart truly begin to heal.  Leonard Cohen says, "Keep your eye on the bandaged place, that is where they light gets in." I have Ives with 30 years of anger and feelings of abandonment, when truly I am the only one who held onto that scar, I was afraid to feel because feeling meant to give in.  My anger and abandonement issues defined me gave me something tangible to hold onto, and this week I had to grow up and deal with the woman I have become because of my shitty parents.  I spent a lifetime blaming them for their inabilities, but in reality I secretly knew my insecurities were what drove me to who am I today.  And for that I'm grateful.  My spiritiual teacher says to practice.... Even if your practic is weak, just practice.  I with an open heart now begin to practice living life from my highest self, free of any roadblocks, free of any insecurities, Im a strong confident woman, who with her one doing broker her heart open with fierce compassion and strong love. The heavens did open and I was showed with gifts.... I just had to open my heart and feel.  Its not going to be easy, but that is the practice, practices to love by loving, practice to live by living, practice to be by being.

Happy Birthday Dad

Because of your lack of love and guidance -- I became loving and a light to many Because of your inability to protect me -- I became a fierce protector of myself and Bri Because of your smallness -- I became larger than life Because you gave me unworthiness -- I found worth within myself Because you are a fuck up alcoholic who turned his back on his daughter, the one person you should have kept safe --I found my way to wholeness through many bad relationships and an eating disorder Because you will never know the years of longing -- I spend today full Becuase you will always wonder what if...... -- I know that through my worth courage and compassion along with love of myself I WILL Because you gave up years with me -- I gained confidence and strength Because you showed me I was nothing -- I gained understanding that I am everything Because you were a horrible parent -- I learned to be an extraordinary one Because you never showed me the love of a parent -- I love hard and strong Because you told me I was trash -- I found the strength to rise above and succeed Because my heart longed for me Daddy -- I found Bri important men to lead her Because you will never understand the woman I am -- I forgive you for not understanding the Man you should have been. Happy Birthday Dad!

Fantasy Land is comfortable........

Get Real-- Life life as it is-- stop swimming in fantasy lane. Fantasy land is a land where we can justify why we are not living life to the fullest right now in this very moment-- life is not about awakening it's about the fantasy of justification of why we are not living-- There have been times where living in fantasy land seems so great-- no responsiblity to ourselves or to anyone. Live FREE-- What the fuck ever, there is nothing free about fantasy. Live life as it is-- is about accepting our place in life and living from it--not the fantasy of I could have, I should have, I would have if.... Media, our culture has shown us that we are justified in not living our life to the fullest because it's hard Work, and work we want to stay away from, we want a pill, an elixer, someone to tell us we are ok, someone to hold us when we remember life is Real. Living life as it is is scary, no one can do it for you, there is no fantasy land where we get to go and everything we want is laid out before us-- Earth school is hard school-- Fantasy school is a sheild of sabatage-- we feel comfortable behind the shield, but deep down we are screaming to live. To live our life, we must break free of the shields of sabotage we must Work on our REAL LIFE-- To live from the highest sense of ourselves, we have to ask WHO AM I KIDDING?

Currency

You can have anything you want, but you must consider the Karma of having it-- Lee Lozowick, AS IT IS Everyone wants to have something, a new this a new that, relationships are broken because we are searching for the newest toy to feed our ego. My husband/wife doesn't fall all over me telling me how amazing I am-- I will pay attention to the shmuck in the corner, they will give me what I want. But in return for the schmuck's attention, what have I agreed to-- what system of currency has been exchanged, because nothing in life is free-- Every thing has a price-- the attention you PAID to the schmuck has to be exchanged for somthing, sure your husband/wife may never find out, but what price have you paid to have your ego stroked-- This system of payment is never discussed, but it is exchanged, every action we bring into our life has an effect on everything, it makes the decision to do something so much more than a flipant repsonse, than a flirtatios look. At 18, my life changed because I became pregnant, at 19 I had a baby, she is beautiful, but I was not sure of the exchange that took place in that instant-- I paid for the sex with the responsiblity of my life. After my baby was born, my life was no longer my own-- there was no parties, no college, just work and trying to take care of this amazing life that I created with someone I had sex with once in the back of a car. Believe me I was not thinking about the exchage of currency at that moment-- My daughter is 23 today, could not imagine my life without her-- but there was an exchange, one I was not ready for at 19. I had dreams of being a journalist, going to other countries to study the religions from the East. I had dreams of college-- all were put on hold for the exchange of having my daughter teach me patience, humility and love. At 25 I got married, another exchange, I got the short end of the stick in that exchange-- but it was not without my knowledge, I knew it was not the right time, I knew he was not the one-- another exchange of currency, at 28 I got divorced and in that divorce more currency was exchanged-- this time not only did I pay but my daughter did as well. Attention Paid is ATTENTION PAID-- you can have anything you want, but you must consider the Karma of having it--

Community

Community is an important vehicle for transformation-- Lee Lozowick When I began my yoga practice there was not much conversation regarding it-- I decided, looked up a teacher and went. Most of my friends at the time were corporate types climbing over each other to be seen and heard. Yoga to them would have been "a great way to network". I remember walking into my first class, as confident as I project myself, I was scared shitless-- I don't normally do things I'm not the best at--such a child really-- I laid down my brand new mat(idiot) and proceeded to slip and slide all over the place. See now that I understand the way to go about things- a yoga mat needs time to accept you, you cannot unroll it in your car and think its ready when you walk in-- it needs time to breathe, it needs time to understand your intentions. In yoga your mat is your beginning relationship to the practice. In truth all of your intentions, fears, and triumphs are shared there. I don't know it but the day I stepped on my mat was the day I began to understand in yoga it's you face to face with you. Everyone was so welcoming, they didn't care who I was, what accomplishments I had attained, what I did outside of that room because thy knew I was there to practice. I found out later that I was a fool to think I was coming to practice yoga....I was really coming to practice life. See, nothing is hidden about you on your mat-- it is abundantly clear what you are trying to hide because your body only knows the truth, your body is not designed for camouflage. Every emotion comes out in yoga-- if you try to hide any insecurity any full blown neurosis is displayed. And in this class that is what I loved. For the first time in a long time I welcomed my body to line up with my heart. I didn't have to choose one or the other. As I stepped on my mat that day I opened to the community of myself, I began a journey of awakening that would change my life.

Aim

A prequel to the Bhagavad Gita is a story of how Arjuna stepped into his dharma. The King called all the warriors together, he wanted to find the best warrior, as they waited on the battlefield the King approached, as he sat on his throne, he commanded the warriors to shoot at the target, who ever hit the target would be the best. One problem, the King did not tell the warriors what the target was. With quivers full of arrows, the warriors began to shoot their arrows at anything they could find- trees, branches, leaves, animals, each other, it was bedlum and with the sky blackened with the arrows sent careening towards whatever they could hit- the King began to laugh, his Lila worked, not one of the warriors asked, or even wondered what the target was they just began shooting into nothing. Finally after the sky cleared of arrows, and the warriors stand exhausted for the mayhem, one lone warrior stepped forward, his quiver full of arrows, he did not even take a shot. He stepped forward and drew one arrow, he lined up his bow and he stood, staring into the forest, he stood for what seemed like hours, planted firmly and unwavering in his transparency to hit his target. Finally after many moments, he let go of the arrow, it flew through the forest, snapping, cracking careening forward and finally, as the field became silent you heard the arrow hit-- The King jumped up excited, and yelled Yes Yes you have hit the target, Arjuna you are the best warrior-- the other warriors became enraged and began to lunge toward Arjuna calling him a cheater, for no one that day after 1000s of arrows even knew what they were shooting at. The King explained, it was not the trees, the branched, the leaves, the small animals around the forest or each of you-- if you would have stopped stood in your true Dharma and listened to your heart, you would have also been able to hit he glistening eye of the bird that lay in the top of the branched far off in the tree-- instead of shooting aimlessly hoping to hit your target, ARjuna stood steadfastly rooted and through the vulnerability of his heart he could see, and from that place he let go an arrow, the only arrow he needed to keep his aim and hit his target. As the New Year approaches, there is temptation to shoot many arrows into the coming time, to forget that deep in our heart we know the answers, we just have to step into our dharma our duty. Our heart knows, and the incessant arrows only take us away from our truth. The moral, stand firm, listen to your heart and shoot one arrow towards your aim.... you will assuradly hit your target.