I do FUCKING belong

As I sat in my teachers living room surrounded by books that brought knowledge the warmth of her hospitality the beauty of her two adult boys, the coyness of her cat and my friend Terri we opened our study manuals. To say that I was intimidated was an understatement, I didn't feel worthy, in fact I felt less than and I questioned myself for most of the time we spent togehter the first night. Should I be here, am I a deep enough practitioner to even participate, what was i thinking and finally who the hell am I kidding? I swallowed all those ego filled reasons why i shouldn't be sitting here amongst the people that mean so much and my teacher, my tether to the Divine. Without a doubt trust was strong in the room a trust in each other as practitioners a trust in our teacher and a deep trust in the principles that we were about to embark upon and deepen into. We began to set up how our sessions would go, what we were to read and when we were going to meet, as we were handed the books of our future studies a rush of calm came over me. My teacher has been guiding these teaching of Lee and Yogi Ramsuratkumar for a while, she has been to the ashram, she lives the principles, the precepts of this teaching and she is abundant with the beauty that is taught. I felt I knew what was to come-- again, who am I kidding? I could not prepare myself for the love that is coming from this group, these teachings and even though Lee has found mahasamadi, there is love so deep from him that it is unexplainable to me. We learned two chants and those chants seeped into my bones like a river onto dry ground, I could not get enough I could have chanted all night. We left with our reading assignment. The words jumped off the page to me like water out of a fire hose, I could not read them fast enough, they nourished me on a level I was not prepared for. It will sound weird and egotistical, but I felt as if a long lineage, my lineage was speaking directly to me. At some point in our life we need to grow up become an adult and deal with life in adult ways, I had yet to do that, and as I'm writing I still probably have not but these teachings are showing me that for the first time, I am not separate but connected to something so great so powerful that as I write this I still don't really understand. I was raised a devout catholic, a strong Italian family -- my life no matter how great, was not great enough to get away from the Guilt. What was being taught in the first chapter was that I was worthy, and that I am not different, i belong to this amazing symphony of life and for the first time empowerment filled me. I woke up for the first time to my life, and I cannot wait to live it. JAI GURU