Forgiveness Part II

About a week ago I sent off the birthday card to my Dad, feeling as if my world would change the heavens would rain joyous gifts upon me-- I had finally let go of the anger despair and abandonement issues that derived from my shitty parents. I was completely wrong!   Habit--an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.  My habit was to be angry at my father, to hold onto the feeling of not being worthy of his attention, to be invisible.   Forgiveness is a necessary happening, forgiveness sets you free, forgiveness puts you back in control of your life-- all true, but for me this last week has been hell.  Because I never really dealt with my anger despair and abandonement as the scar that covered my heart was removed by the act of forgiveness, the wound was left open-- big and weeping. Emotions that were covered by my anger, veiled me from really feeling and dealing with the abandonement--  I fell into a deep hole of vulnerability. I know that vulnerability is good, necessary even for self observation, but the truth is, this week I've been more vulnerable than I have been in 30 years.  The thick scar of anger was necessary for me to live my life, I know it-- it kept me from falling into destructive habits to numb the pain of what was underneath.  I'm not saying it was healthy I'm saying for me it was necessary. I come from an alcoholic father my anger at his drinking kept me from drinking, without anger I would have been swimming in the bottle with him.   Because I am so loved, I know this was the right time in my life to remove the scar, to let my heart truly begin to heal.  Leonard Cohen says, "Keep your eye on the bandaged place, that is where they light gets in." I have Ives with 30 years of anger and feelings of abandonment, when truly I am the only one who held onto that scar, I was afraid to feel because feeling meant to give in.  My anger and abandonement issues defined me gave me something tangible to hold onto, and this week I had to grow up and deal with the woman I have become because of my shitty parents.  I spent a lifetime blaming them for their inabilities, but in reality I secretly knew my insecurities were what drove me to who am I today.  And for that I'm grateful.  My spiritiual teacher says to practice.... Even if your practic is weak, just practice.  I with an open heart now begin to practice living life from my highest self, free of any roadblocks, free of any insecurities, Im a strong confident woman, who with her one doing broker her heart open with fierce compassion and strong love. The heavens did open and I was showed with gifts.... I just had to open my heart and feel.  Its not going to be easy, but that is the practice, practices to love by loving, practice to live by living, practice to be by being.

Happy Birthday Dad

Because of your lack of love and guidance -- I became loving and a light to many Because of your inability to protect me -- I became a fierce protector of myself and Bri Because of your smallness -- I became larger than life Because you gave me unworthiness -- I found worth within myself Because you are a fuck up alcoholic who turned his back on his daughter, the one person you should have kept safe --I found my way to wholeness through many bad relationships and an eating disorder Because you will never know the years of longing -- I spend today full Becuase you will always wonder what if...... -- I know that through my worth courage and compassion along with love of myself I WILL Because you gave up years with me -- I gained confidence and strength Because you showed me I was nothing -- I gained understanding that I am everything Because you were a horrible parent -- I learned to be an extraordinary one Because you never showed me the love of a parent -- I love hard and strong Because you told me I was trash -- I found the strength to rise above and succeed Because my heart longed for me Daddy -- I found Bri important men to lead her Because you will never understand the woman I am -- I forgive you for not understanding the Man you should have been. Happy Birthday Dad!